Siblings

To give Riley a sibling or not to give Riley a sibling – that is the question!

My husband Shane and I had decided that we would have one more. I’ve even been telling people when they ask “when’s the next one coming” that we be trying again next year after our Cape Trip in July/August. Riley would be just over two years old by that point, so he’d be somewhere over three by the time the second child came along.

I am an only child and I always dreamt of having a brother, but like a best mate brother. Initially after having Riley I was so traumatised, I was firm that I was NEVER HAVING ANYMORE. Once I managed to get over thinking that my body had failed me (36 hours of labour, 2 hours of pushing & then had to have an emergency C-section to get the stuck bugger out). It took me a good six months to get over it and realise, umm no your body didn’t fail you, look at that beautiful happy healthy baby boy, yeah your body made that, your body is an awesome miracle maker. From the moment I met Riley I knew he was worth it, but it took me that extra six months to realise I am strong enough to do it again. Women, we are so wonderfully awesome.

My dad comes from a large family and always wanted more than one kid, he’s often joked that he wants 6 -8 grandchildren, yeah not happening buddy. My mum thinks one is a good number, speaking from the experience of only having to cart me around traveling, camping etc.

We took Riley on his first camping trip over Easter and it all went wonderfully, but we’d majorly have to rethink our sleeping arguments and probably have to tow a trailer for all the a extra gear we’d need for two – but that’s minor stuff and I can figure that out when the time comes.

What’s really got me in a funk and has always worried me is Shane’s younger and only sibling Michael. The hell the two of them put their mother through infuriates me! I’m constantly saying to Shane “remember all that shit we went through during labour, feeding in the middle of the night, red bums and constant screaming, Yeah your mum did all that shit you”. When I was set firm on not having a second I made the joke “I got the Shane in Riley, the older brother, even though he can be winey and sooky, he’s mostly a calm happy baby and I don’t want the Michael, the second son, bonces of the walls, short temper, happy only when things go his way. Michael’s son is exactly like him, scares me. Hell I’m very much like him, I bounce of walls, I have a short temper, BUT I have more respect for others and I’d like to think I don’t always have to have things my way, but I’m sure others would say different.

So my husband and his brother don’t have a good relationship and that scares me. I don’t want to give Riley a little brother that’s going to drive him crazy all the time, I want to give him a best friend for life. I look at my cousins, the care and concern one of them has for his older brother. I was recently at one of my cousin’s weddings and the love between him and his little sister just melted me, made me go YES I must give Riley this. Then all this shit with Shane’s family flares up again. SO HELP ME what the fuck am I meant to do. I’m an only child I don’t get it!!! What makes you mates and what makes you enemies. Shane and Michael had separate rooms growing up, but shared a lot of similar interests, sailing, archery etc. My father shared a room with two of his brothers and they survived. My mum shared a room with her sister and I’ve never really heard stories of them fighting. Does the joint room thing make any difference? Riley and the new baby would have their own room. I like my own space so feel I should give them theirs.

I look at the bad times and go, hell no I don’t want this doubled, then I look at the good times and go, YES I want this doubled. But really what it boils down to is I want to give Riley the best life possible. I thought he needed siblings for that, that if I don’t give him a brother or sister he’ll be alone. But the bullshit between Shane and his brother makes me think otherwise 😦 Oh the dramas of a developed nation – Any who tell me your thoughts?

Who out there was an only child went and had siblings, would you suggest it?

Who out there had siblings that decided NO only to have one?

How did your siblings shape you?

How many Children have you got or are hoping to have and why?

Arms Around Me

My Mind the Menace a debut poetry collection by new to the publishing world poet Sarah Fairbairn. That’s Me That’s Me.

This is a collection from a darker period in Sarah’s life, a period she is happy to say she made it through. Here as a teaser is two poems from the collection available now at Smashwords.

Arms around me

I want to run and hide

Down deep inside

How happy I would be

You no longer poisoning my mind

Please set my soul free

I’d no longer need to lie

Without your arms around me

But I’m frozen in pain

Shame won’t let me leave

The failure I’ve become

Is unbecoming to me

You no longer by my side

I’d set my soul free

But with you till I die

I told you I would be

So here still I lie

With your arms around me

I feel the need to cry

But the tears won’t leave me

While you wallow in sorrow and self-pity

Why don’t you just leave me?

All the past tears we’ve cried

With your arms around me

I’m trying to figure out why

And if I should leave

But with you till I die

I told you I would be

So here still I lie

With your arms around me

 SmashCover

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/423080

About the Author  That’s Me That’s Me.

When Sarah Fairbairn Isn’t at her day job, dancing around annoying the other employees at her family’s mechanical workshop, or running around and looking after her two boys, her Nine month old Son and her Husband, she locks herself away in her Bat Cave or rather Sac Cave, fully fitted out with an old lounge chair and dining table as a writing desk, typing out her blog posts, trying to get some reading done and or cruising the web. Her poetry is usually scribbled on bits of paper scattered over her work desk, car and handbag, as thoughts always strike her at the most inconvenient moments or when she is without her much loved tablet PC. She has been writing poetry since High School and has a passion for reading, although having a small child leaves her less time read these days as she would like.

Subscribe to Sarah’s Blog: http://www.sarahalison27.org

Follow Sarah on Twitter: http://twitter.com/@SarahAlison27

Friend Sarah on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SarahAlison27

Favourite Sarah at Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sarahalison27

Connect with Sarah on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/SarahAlison27

Shame

My Mind the Menace a debut poetry collection by new to the publishing world poet ***ME*** Sarah Fairbairn.

This is a collection from a darker period in my life, a period I am happy to say I made it through. Here as a teaser is one of the poems from the collection available now at Smashwords.

Shame

You are self-scented

But self-sufficient you are not

Your arguments for your behaviour are rot

You will never grow up

You were not taught how

A responsible adult is all I ask for

All I get is a childish howl

You are never happy with what you’ve got

And some of what you think you’ve got

You have not

You lost my love

Betrayed by my fraying heart

From this life we started living

I did depart

I am not only to blame

Although I’ll take on all the shame

To washed up madness you have driven me

A life full of joy

You have not given me

To think I once thought you might be

The one who was meant for me

Seeds don’t sow with only neglect

I am sure one day you will reflect

And regret you did not look after me

Now watch me take away

What you thought was your happy

SmashCoverhttps://www.smashwords.com/books/view/423080

About the Author

When I’m not at my day job, dancing around annoying the other employees at my family’s mechanical workshop, or running around and looking after my two boys, my Nine month old Son and Husband, I lock myself away in my Bat Cave or rather Sac Cave, it’s fully fitted out with an old lounge chair and dining table as a writing desk, I’ll be typing out my blog posts, trying to get some reading done and or cruising the web. My poetry is usually scribbled on bits of paper scattered over my work desk, car and handbag, as thoughts always strike me at the most inconvenient moments or when I’m without my much loved tablet PC. I have been writing poetry since High School and have a passion for reading, although having a small child leaves me less time read these days as I would like.

Subscribe to My Blog: http://www.sarahalison27.org

Follow Me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/@SarahAlison27

Friend Me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SarahAlison27

Favourite Me at Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sarahalison27

Connect with Me on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/SarahAlison27

Sweet Sixteen

Today’s post asks us, when we were 16 what did we think our lives would look like? Does it look the way we imagined? And is that a good thing?

When I was sixteen my plan was to work till I was twenty saving enough money to get to Scotland, work there for a couple of years while exploring that part of the globe, come back and travel around Australia, then once I was about 25 go back home to the town I grew up in, open my own business and start to plan out the rest of my life.

My life to this point has been absolutely nothing like I wanted it to be, complete opposite. When I was sixteen I never intended to get married or have kids, I hated the idea of being so held down, I wanted to be free forever! I don’t feel like I get to have fun anymore and at sixteen all I was concerned with was having fun.

Sometimes I feel that my life has been a complete waste and all I’ve done is fuck one thing up after another.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed by all the things I can’t do.

I feel like the real me is trapped inside. I feel like I live my life for everyone else and never for me.

And I long to have my dreams become a reality, but the older I get the less chance that they will ever come true.

I’ve always been a depressive person, all creative people are. But when I was younger I could look forward to the future, I had a plan to make myself happy and lead a fulfilling life, a plan I failed to follow through. Maybe once my sons an adult and out of the house I can stop pretending I’m a good person for his sake. I’ll probably be so angry and burnt out by that point (if I keep going the way I am) that I’ll just spend the remainder of my days stoned trying not to think about the fact I fucked up and missed my chance.

Now I Love my son and wouldn’t give him up for the world, but I wish my life leading up to him had been different. And I know I can do things to change my life and that nothing is set in stone, but having a child takes away freedom, because you always have someone else to think about. I can’t quit my job and run over seas with a kid, first up I’d get done with kidnapping for taking my son away from his father. Secondly I can’t even think about the financial insecurities of trying to change my non-existent career at this point. And third unfortunately I was raised to be responsible and compassionate so I can’t just burn everybody around me to get the things I want.

I’m getting off the point here: When I was 16 I thought my life would be filled with fun and adventure and I’d make my mark on the world. My current life doesn’t look anything like what I had imagined and wanted for myself and that’s a very bad thing because when I dwell on it (which I try not to) it makes my blood boil and my soul turn black.

365daysofprompts    Post 21/365 (missed 4)

Way out of bounds

I trusted you

You let me down

You hit one

Way out of bounds

 

My life, she fell apart

Split right through my heart

I can’t keep arguing with myself

Need to hate

Hate someone else

 

I trusted you

You let me down

You hit me

And knocked me to the ground

 

I can still hear you in my head

I can still feel you in my bed

To think of you hurts my brain

I’m think I’m going to go insane

 

I trusted you

You let me down

You hit one

Way out of bounds

 

 

 

 

Words in my way

So this is taking a trip into the past, here is a poem I wrote when I was Sixteen, far-out that was nearly eleven years ago 😦 anyways I must have been really messed up over something at the time hmmmmm.

 

Words in my way

 

It is a fact,   that,    I don’t know how to react

This world inside my head,     its wack

My heart speaks a language I can’t decode

Later on no one will care which path you choose

No one cares who you really are

Everybody hides their scars

No one cares what you’ve lost

No one cares what personal lines you’ve crossed

It’s like the people you love are saying

Does it matter that I don’t really need you

I’m sick of all this hurting in my head

I’m going to go hide in my bed

I have to admit I’ve had so much fun

Think I might look into a life on the run

Can the world please look at me for all I am

That’s impossible when I block my emotions like a dam

I’m sick of always caring about what people think about me

No one else seems to care what I think of thee

I’ve said too much but not nearly all that’s in my head

All these words in my way

Fears drive me forward every day.