SHIFT: a story for Thea

once upon a time there was a magical girl
poised after transitioning to take over the world
one day she came across a world-builder who had lost their way
stuck in their head
thinking all the things their voice could not say
so together they sang until they both felt brave
they sang songs of a better world
one where if you didn’t feel your true self
you were given the chance to start again
and up to the stars for this world to be they sang
they sang and sang until their throats weren’t needed again
until the fabric of reality altered
one planned a new body to unlock her power
one planned the unlocking of their mind to re-capture their power
so that they could shred the very meaning of time
and share the secrets of life and love
found family, friendly farmers, and future plans
it all comes back around in the end
it comes from you
it comes from me
it comes from the ground under our feet
not some nothing man in the sky above
it comes from the ground
and it’s given with love
feel the earth under your feet
it grew you
it grew me
it grew our very reality
so stand on our earth
and with it SHIFT

long dormant circuitry reconnected
a past best left with the dead resurrected
with the powerful pull of rage, i revenge this
no longer do i see in grey
the blackness from which you descended
i remember and i am free

the earth grew me
and now i know i am free
watch as i SHIFT into me
watch as we SHIFT all the realities

* TO BE CONTINUED *

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are happy and healthy.

I am free: POEM

I am one earthling,
breathing, seeing, sitting
and enjoying the heat of the sun.
That sun is one star
in an estimated 200 billion
trillion stars in the universe.
Nothing I do or say really matters and so I let it all go.
I let my mind wander
from the plants around me,
to the planets and stars
that surround me.
I let my mind wander far
and wide.
And I am free.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

Kelly: A LETTER TO YOU

Kelly my dear
i would love to hear
how you
have
been travelling
Kelly my dear
i still holding you near
after the six years
of friendships
blogging
decided to reach out
how now
this way
because public somehow
let’s have
another
twirl
so Kelly my dear
if you happen to read this post
i think you might
because i think
i most
enjoy the time we spent chatting online
come out Kelly my dear
out in
the sun
shine

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

If you happen to read this DIVA-BOOKNERD, I miss ya girl.

Life: POEM

my brain likes to block me

and stop me

from sharing my truths

yes, it stems from self-preservation

but letting myself free

is long overdue

i have been living a life defined by an outdated patriarchy

it has drained my spark and left me descending darkly

i want to be the person i see in my head

not this sickly mass of fear and anger instead

i say yes, but my heart and soul scream no

my whole life feels like a lie and that is no way to go

I push it all down like many times before

even though i know it will come bubbling and boiling back up stronger than before

Just popped on today to share another little something I wrote while doing some solo reflection. Also thought I’d share a few more nature photos I took, these ones were from a recent walk with an old school friend.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

Fractured: POEM

i woke up this morning feeling fractured

my brain sore like it’s bruised and battered

my thoughts all dodging this way and then that way in a scatter


i want to run and hide from all the chatter and clatter

my thoughts fighting to make it to the top of my mental ladder

they get to the top

flip me off

then fall back into the darkness and shatter

and every morning i wake up and feel my face for the fractures

Just popped on today to share another little something I wrote (early this morning before anyone else was up). Also thought I’d share a photo I then took later on today while out on a walk.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

When I Ask Why: POEM

when I ask why
the only reply
is break the chain
because once society is slain
all the remains
can reconfigure its brain

rectify this mess
because to be alive on this earth
means we are blessed

turn off the news
put on your shoes
go walk with the trees
go talk with the bees

understand the world is not yours
get down on your knees
thank the mother sun
from once we come

rectify this mess
because to be alive on this earth
means we are blessed

your life is not yours
we are all part of the cycle

all of this anger
all of this hate
give it away
because it’s almost too late

when I ask why
the only reply
is break the chain
because once society is slain
all the remains
can reconfigure its brain

Just popped on today to share a little something I wrote while on a walk and a few nature pics.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

It’s been awhile: Life Update

It’s been awhile since I posted here (March to be exact), but I woke up this morning with the need to say hello – so here I go with a little life update.

I’ve always identified more with men than women, something I’ve tried to suppress for many years. But this suppression has caused me to have a major disconnect from my body and I’m sick of it. I want to be able to accept and love myself for all of myself and I have begun to. It has now come to a point where I cannot continue to heal and grow in the shadows. So, from this point forward I am going to attempt to show the world all the parts of me.

I started an Instagram and TikTok accounts using a pseudonym to allow myself the safeness of a secret place to be able to get past the block in my brain and start to share parts of myself, whether that’s my art or when I was in the middle of a gender dysphoria breakdown. But I am now realising it doesn’t help if I’m not sharing these parts of me with the ones I love.

I’ve fort against myself when it comes to my name, as the one I was given at birth, beautiful as it is, is feminine and most of the time I feel I am not. I’ve played around with the idea of changing my name but can’t quite stomach it. I’ve now realised that the name is not the issue, it’s the way I was presenting myself that felt unnatural to me.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, talking to doctors, taking their meds, taking up new hobbies that get me back out in nature and free that little kid I suppressed when I was that little kid. I am actively trying to drop my mask when I am in safe settings, I am actively working towards better physical and mental health. And I will bounce back bigger and better than ever as my whole self, but I know it will take time.

I am in the process of completely rearranging my life. The father of my children and I have admirably separated, and the kids and I have moved in with my parents. I am finishing up my job at my family’s automotive workshop soon and am enrolled at university for next year – so lots of big things changing and lots a big new adventures to be had.

If you are interested in the Art and self-expression I have started posting on Instagram and Tik Tok (totally not going to be offended if you’re not) you can find me at @absidityart – but be warned, I have no intention of censoring myself there, because it is my own censoring of myself that has made me feel lost, unloved, and alone. While I’ve suffered silently and internally most of my adult life, I suffer no more, because I am accepting all of me, and I know with time I will be able to grow to love all of me, because I now know I am worthy of love – Yay! Progress!

So, HI *waves enthusiastically while half hiding behind a tree because being authentic is scary* I’m Sarah, a Queer Neurodivergent nature and art loving creature, with a passion for supporting the underdog, drag queens, sci-fi, small fluffy critters, and learning all I can about the natural world around me. I’m anti boxes made by society and think gender roles are the biggest load of shit that’s ever been rammed down my throat. Going forward my preferred pronouns are they/he – but I’m not going to get mad at you if you say she, because I understand that’s the conditioning society forced on you. The fear that comes with expecting most of the people in my life to not understand is what has held me back, but I now realise I need to give them and you reading this the benefit of the doubt and if they and you can’t come to terms with it that is not my fault.

ANYWAYS, I’m logging off again now, but will be to be more active in the future If the mood strikes.

I wish whomever is reading this love and happiness. Stay Safe.

Regards,

Sarah.

Hello, my name is Sarah.

I am a big-time dreamer, wannabe world traveler, and book lover.

I am an Aussie with Scottish and English Heritage.

I am a Bisexual, yes even though I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women – always have been, always will be!

I am a Sci-Fi nut (thanks Mum) and I have a very wide taste in music (also thanks Mum, and my grandmothers). Music and Art in general are my saviour, my church, my release.

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, and thanatophobia my whole life. Arthritis came along in my late-twenties and my overall anxiety gets worse with each passing day. But very few of you would know any of that because I have always kept it to myself. If you come up to me in public I’ll plaster on my biggest and warmest smile, act happy and be friendly (and I am friendly underneath it all, but I should get an Oscar for the performance I’ve been putting on the last 33 years).

I had my first panic attack at the start of October. It landed me in the ER, as Shane thought I was having a stroke/heart attack (something sinister anyways). I have had a few attacks since then and bad days that have left me locked in my head unable to function. I had one last night. It started from just having a down day and ended with me on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth, crying while going through calming exercises to try and drag myself back to reality.

And yes, I have had some professional help over the years. I’ve partaken in therapy, altered my diet, taken drugs from doctors and herbs from naturopaths. I’ve tried and will keep on trying to manage my conditions. I want to be well and I am not a quitter. It’s just not in my DNA to give up, although most times it seems like the easiest option.

I do not tell my friends and family what is going on with me because I do not want to bring them down – but all that has done is made me feel completely alone. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy – fuck no! I am here, holding myself accountable for my own wellbeing. I am here, trying to be my most authentic self.

I decided to post this in the hopes of raising awareness. I want you to CHECK IN ON YOUR MATES. Get in their heads and let them in yours. LIFE IS TOO HARD TO FACE ALONE, and after 33 years, I cannot keep it up. So here we are.

Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m pleased to meet you.

Ring Ring: Spilled Thoughts

The phone rings and I get a jolt to the guts like someone has kicked me.

I feel like I am going to bring up my lunch.

I answer the phone, ramping up my fake happy mode, asking “how may I help you” and such.

I just want peace and quiet.

I just want to sleep.

I do not want to talk to anybody.

I do not want to speak.

Everyday drags on and feels like a waste.

Yet the years speed by at a blistering pace.