Hello Mum, aunties that read my blog, those of you who are still around from my #AusYAbloggers years, and anyone else who has stumbled across this post.
I hope that these words find you safe and healthy, something that is becoming increasingly harder to accomplish with the state of our world.
I recently felt the need to change my blog’s name, again, as the old title no longer sat well with me. I have moved away from book reviews for now and am planning on sharing more of my poetry and my wellness journey.
What is Riot’s Redemption you ask? Okay, you probably didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway.
As a child, there was always a part of me, the silly, free, creative part, the wild part that got me in trouble that I internally referred to as “IT”. IT was the unmasked core of myself. Sarah, the name I was given at birth became my mask’s name, and as Sarah, I tried my best to behave the way society saw fit. As I grew older my IT-ness got let out less and less, and I found myself wearing my Sarah mask 24/7. It nearly destroyed me, as in suppressed memories and time in a psych ward destroy me. Along my neurodivergent journey from childhood to adulthood, I internally renamed myself from “IT” to “The Riot” because it’s always a mothering fucking Riot in my head. As I got older and learned more about the big bad world, I realised that I had always been Transgender and Queer as a sparkly rainbow cloud of LSD.
Little me had wanted to be a boy. Little me had wanted to live in the outback and run feral and free. Little me had wanted to sing and dance, tell stories, make people laugh, and own a farm.
I am still that little boy, but I am also now a mother of two. I want my children, both of whom like me are autistic with ADHD, to know the real me, not my mask. I cannot continue to open myself up and be authentic under the name of my mask. I want to walk in the world as Riot, and my blogging is included in that. So this is me taking my first steps.
I am going forward with the intention of working towards a creative writing degree.
I am going forward with the intention of being more present in my physical life and embracing people again, whereas I’ve spent the last five or so years of my life withdrawing further and further from society.
I am not quite sure yet what I physically will need to do to be able to sit comfortably in my own skin. But getting my fitness up to a level where I can take on all the hikes, I want to do with confidence seems like a good place to start. I’ve got a good friend that I refer to as my emotional support demon that is keen to be my gym buddy and help me in that regard. I have no desire to fully medically transition as I do not feel the need to be passable as male by society’s standards to be valid. Admittedly it causes me a great deal of mental fuckery that society sees me as a woman. But I have coping strategies to help with the noise in my head and the waves of gender dysphoria that drag me down at times. I’ve been trying to go for bush walks and put aside time to write and draw as much as possible, to let my mind run free, as letting my mind run free is one of the few things that enables me to then spend time in my skin.
If you’ve made it this far down the page, cheers to you! I guess I really just needed to send ^ that up into the ether and record it here as a way of kickstarting myself. So If you are interested in reading the words that come to me in daydreams and on bush walks then stick around. If not, no dramas, I know I’m not everyone’s favorite flavor of lolly.
To end this post today I’ll leave you with a photo of some flowers living their best life in the bush.