Humanoid ‘ish’

Here you will find ‘Life Update’ style posts and other random word vomit from my brain.

Riot’s Redemption: a letter to you the reader

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 4 Comments

Hello Mum, aunties that read my blog, those of you who are still around from my #AusYAbloggers years, and anyone else who has stumbled across this post.
I hope that these words find you safe and healthy, something that is becoming increasingly harder to accomplish with the state of our world.

I recently felt the need to change my blog’s name, again, as the old title no longer sat well with me. I have moved away from book reviews for now and am planning on sharing more of my poetry and my wellness journey.


What is Riot’s Redemption you ask? Okay, you probably didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

As a child, there was always a part of me, the silly, free, creative part, the wild part that got me in trouble that I internally referred to as “IT”. IT was the unmasked core of myself. Sarah, the name I was given at birth became my mask’s name, and as Sarah, I tried my best to behave the way society saw fit. As I grew older my IT-ness got let out less and less, and I found myself wearing my Sarah mask 24/7. It nearly destroyed me, as in suppressed memories and time in a psych ward destroy me. Along my neurodivergent journey from childhood to adulthood, I internally renamed myself from “IT” to “The Riot” because it’s always a mothering fucking Riot in my head. As I got older and learned more about the big bad world, I realised that I had always been Transgender and Queer as a sparkly rainbow cloud of LSD.

Little me had wanted to be a boy. Little me had wanted to live in the outback and run feral and free. Little me had wanted to sing and dance, tell stories, make people laugh, and own a farm.
I am still that little boy, but I am also now a mother of two. I want my children, both of whom like me are autistic with ADHD, to know the real me, not my mask. I cannot continue to open myself up and be authentic under the name of my mask. I want to walk in the world as Riot, and my blogging is included in that. So this is me taking my first steps.


I am going forward with the intention of working towards a creative writing degree.

I am going forward with the intention of being more present in my physical life and embracing people again, whereas I’ve spent the last five or so years of my life withdrawing further and further from society.
I am not quite sure yet what I physically will need to do to be able to sit comfortably in my own skin. But getting my fitness up to a level where I can take on all the hikes, I want to do with confidence seems like a good place to start. I’ve got a good friend that I refer to as my emotional support demon that is keen to be my gym buddy and help me in that regard. I have no desire to fully medically transition as I do not feel the need to be passable as male by society’s standards to be valid. Admittedly it causes me a great deal of mental fuckery that society sees me as a woman. But I have coping strategies to help with the noise in my head and the waves of gender dysphoria that drag me down at times. I’ve been trying to go for bush walks and put aside time to write and draw as much as possible, to let my mind run free, as letting my mind run free is one of the few things that enables me to then spend time in my skin.


If you’ve made it this far down the page, cheers to you! I guess I really just needed to send ^ that up into the ether and record it here as a way of kickstarting myself. So If you are interested in reading the words that come to me in daydreams and on bush walks then stick around. If not, no dramas, I know I’m not everyone’s favorite flavor of lolly.


To end this post today I’ll leave you with a photo of some flowers living their best life in the bush.

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It’s been awhile: Life Update

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

It’s been awhile since I posted here (March to be exact), but I woke up this morning with the need to say hello – so here I go with a little life update.

I’ve always identified more with men than women, something I’ve tried to suppress for many years. But this suppression has caused me to have a major disconnect from my body and I’m sick of it. I want to be able to accept and love myself for all of myself and I have begun to. It has now come to a point where I cannot continue to heal and grow in the shadows. So, from this point forward I am going to attempt to show the world all the parts of me.

I started an Instagram and TikTok accounts using a pseudonym to allow myself the safeness of a secret place to be able to get past the block in my brain and start to share parts of myself, whether that’s my art or when I was in the middle of a gender dysphoria breakdown. But I am now realising it doesn’t help if I’m not sharing these parts of me with the ones I love.

I’ve fort against myself when it comes to my name, as the one I was given at birth, beautiful as it is, is feminine and most of the time I feel I am not. I’ve played around with the idea of changing my name but can’t quite stomach it. I’ve now realised that the name is not the issue, it’s the way I was presenting myself that felt unnatural to me.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, talking to doctors, taking their meds, taking up new hobbies that get me back out in nature and free that little kid I suppressed when I was that little kid. I am actively trying to drop my mask when I am in safe settings, I am actively working towards better physical and mental health. And I will bounce back bigger and better than ever as my whole self, but I know it will take time.

I am in the process of completely rearranging my life. The father of my children and I have admirably separated, and the kids and I have moved in with my parents. I am finishing up my job at my family’s automotive workshop soon and am enrolled at university for next year – so lots of big things changing and lots a big new adventures to be had.

If you are interested in the Art and self-expression I have started posting on Instagram and Tik Tok (totally not going to be offended if you’re not) you can find me at @absidityart – but be warned, I have no intention of censoring myself there, because it is my own censoring of myself that has made me feel lost, unloved, and alone. While I’ve suffered silently and internally most of my adult life, I suffer no more, because I am accepting all of me, and I know with time I will be able to grow to love all of me, because I now know I am worthy of love – Yay! Progress!

So, HI *waves enthusiastically while half hiding behind a tree because being authentic is scary* I’m Sarah, a Queer Neurodivergent nature and art loving creature, with a passion for supporting the underdog, drag queens, sci-fi, small fluffy critters, and learning all I can about the natural world around me. I’m anti boxes made by society and think gender roles are the biggest load of shit that’s ever been rammed down my throat. Going forward my preferred pronouns are they/he – but I’m not going to get mad at you if you say she, because I understand that’s the conditioning society forced on you. The fear that comes with expecting most of the people in my life to not understand is what has held me back, but I now realise I need to give them and you reading this the benefit of the doubt and if they and you can’t come to terms with it that is not my fault.

ANYWAYS, I’m logging off again now, but will be to be more active in the future If the mood strikes.

I wish whomever is reading this love and happiness. Stay Safe.

Regards,

Sarah.

Hello, my name is Sarah.

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 2 Comments

I am a big-time dreamer, wannabe world traveler, and book lover.

I am an Aussie with Scottish and English Heritage.

I am a Bisexual, yes even though I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women – always have been, always will be!

I am a Sci-Fi nut (thanks Mum) and I have a very wide taste in music (also thanks Mum, and my grandmothers). Music and Art in general are my saviour, my church, my release.

I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, and thanatophobia my whole life. Arthritis came along in my late-twenties and my overall anxiety gets worse with each passing day. But very few of you would know any of that because I have always kept it to myself. If you come up to me in public I’ll plaster on my biggest and warmest smile, act happy and be friendly (and I am friendly underneath it all, but I should get an Oscar for the performance I’ve been putting on the last 33 years).

I had my first panic attack at the start of October. It landed me in the ER, as Shane thought I was having a stroke/heart attack (something sinister anyways). I have had a few attacks since then and bad days that have left me locked in my head unable to function. I had one last night. It started from just having a down day and ended with me on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth, crying while going through calming exercises to try and drag myself back to reality.

And yes, I have had some professional help over the years. I’ve partaken in therapy, altered my diet, taken drugs from doctors and herbs from naturopaths. I’ve tried and will keep on trying to manage my conditions. I want to be well and I am not a quitter. It’s just not in my DNA to give up, although most times it seems like the easiest option.

I do not tell my friends and family what is going on with me because I do not want to bring them down – but all that has done is made me feel completely alone. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy – fuck no! I am here, holding myself accountable for my own wellbeing. I am here, trying to be my most authentic self.

I decided to post this in the hopes of raising awareness. I want you to CHECK IN ON YOUR MATES. Get in their heads and let them in yours. LIFE IS TOO HARD TO FACE ALONE, and after 33 years, I cannot keep it up. So here we are.

Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m pleased to meet you.

WHAT AM I DOING: Life & Blog update?

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 2 Comments

At the start of July, I drafted a ridiculously long I quit /goodbye post where I went into detail on all the things I have got going on in my life. I was beyond burnt out but I was attempting to hide it from everyone. My whole life just felt like an endless list of stuff I had to do, not anything I wanted to do, and it was slowly killing my spark. I was getting home from work exhausted and I did not want to do anything other than go to bed and cry. My one escape, reading, had become a chore, just another thing I HAD to do each day. I was finding that I was emotionally becoming more sensitive and easier to set off, be it into anger or tears. And I was sick of it. Someone around me only needed to be a little off to put me in a tailspin. It felt like nothing I did was for myself anymore, everything was for someone else – the kids, other family members, my partner, Authors, other bookish influencers – but nothing for me.

In my big long I quite post I wrote about the toxic money and fame-hungry environment that is brewing in the online bookstagram world. I wrote about blogging and my plans in the reviewer world. I wrote about all the bad luck and ill health my maternal grandmother has been through lately. I wrote about how the older I get the worse my overall anxiety becomes, and not just FOMO. But I just do not care anymore. And I doubt y’all want to hear it. Like, who in the world wants to read my sad-sack post anyways lol everybody has their own stuff going on at the moment and there are few people who are coping well.

The short version. I am not well, physically (long-term life illnesses and new problems) or mentally (fuck you COVID and your isolating restrictions). I am sore, tired, and frustrated all the time! As a full-time working mum, there is a lot of shit I have to do that I can’t not do, and that is draining. Being a parent is all about shit you have to do. They don’t tell you about that beforehand. They just tell you that you’ll love them and it’ll be all worth it. Nar mate! You have to keep them feed, clean, clothed, and HAPPY and it’s fucking hard! It’s 247, never a second off, hard. No one will emotionally abuse you more than your own children. Riley is now 7 and Ethan is 3½ and they just don’t stop. YES, they are adorable little assholes and I love them more than I love anything in the world, even more than chocolate and gin, but sometimes I wonder if they will be the death of me. To get some balance I am attempting to remove as much “have to” stuff as I can from my life, If it isn’t fun or beneficial to me or my family anymore, it’s gone.

Obviously, I will still read when the mood strikes me, as a good book is the best escape there is. But I will only be writing reviews if the book touches me enough that I fell the need to review it. I’ll still be staying on with the #AusYABloggers board, helping with book tours, etc. as I love those girls and I don’t want to turn my back on all the online bookish friends I’ve made.

I felt immediately calmer after making the decision back in July to just drop it all. I was heading to a very dark place that I haven’t been too since I was struggling with postnatal depression after my first baby. Happily with less to do each night my eldest son and I have taken to watching a TV show together each night for the hour between his little brother going to bed and him going to bed. At the moment Riley and I are watching The Masked Singer Australia on Monday and Tuesdays, then Ru Paul’s AJ and the Queen on Netflix every other day. The hour has become a way for us to reconnect and share something special together, as his little brother takes up a lot of my mummy time. I have also implemented a family games night for all four of us.

I am trying to be happy and healthy. I am trying to be more in the moment. I am trying to live. But damn 2020 is making it hard!

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com 🙂
Until next time, enjoy your shelves 🙂

Our Camp Quality FUNX4 Update

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

Hey there,

This is just a little update for those you helped us or were helping us with our fundraising for the Camp Quality Fun X4.

We should have already been on the FunX4 and been back by now, but thanks to Covid19 the dates have had to be pushed back to later in the year – We (Jake, Josh, Shane & I) are now unable to attend with the new dates.

Thankfully, Shane and I managed to raise $3980.00 before Covid19 hit. And Jake and Josh managed to raise $2825.00 – and as far as I am concerned $6805.00 for such a worthwhile charity is something to be proud of!

If you have got no idea what I’m talking about, and want to, click HERE for my post when I announced Shane and I would be going on the FUNX4.

XOXO Sarah.

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com 🙂
Until next time, enjoy your shelves 🙂

Camp Quality FUNx4: Car 42

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 6 Comments

This year my husband attended the 2019 Camp Quality FUNx4, which ran from the 1st – 6th July. As one of two mechanics on the event, tasked with ensuring all 13 cars made it through the event. My Uncle Gordon Trigg was the other mechanic on hand.

My family has been involved with Camp Quality for nearly thirty years. Firstly with my grandfather being a part of setting up the Newcastle Branch of Camp Quality, my grandfather and mother both attended camps in the early days as councilors. Later my Uncle entered the Camp Quality escapade in it’s second year as an entrant, then when back the next year with my grandfather as mechanical support and he has gone along every year since. Along side Ben Mildren, he now sets the courses for both the esCarpade and FUNx4 and attends both as the mechanical support.

In 2020, my husband Shane and I will be fundraising and attending as FUNx4 participants in Car 42.

The Camp Quality FUNx4 is a 4WD event is set to challenge experienced and amateur drivers alike tackling tricky terrain through some of Australia’s most spectacular 4WD playgrounds. All the while raising much needed funds for Aussie kids facing cancer.

FUNx4 is Camp Quality’s newest outback motoring fundraiser. Hailed as Australia’s happiest 6-day 4WD adventure, in 2020 the event will begin in Caboolture on Monday 1st June, will travel through the Glashouse Mountains, Kenilworth and LandCruiser Mountain Park before finishing with three days exploring Fraser Island on Saturday 6th June.

Camp Quality provides services and programs specifically made to support children 0-13 facing cancer, who are dealing with their own diagnosis, or the diagnosis of someone they love, like a brother, sister, mum or dad. It is an extremely worthy cause and every donation no matter how big or how small helps! For more information or to donate click HERE.

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com 🙂

Me, myself and the land of self-reflection

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 4 Comments

You may or may not have noticed that my blog themed changed. After five years I felt like something new. After five years I am not the same person I was when I started The Adventures of SacaKat. So, here we have a new theme and a new name, Sarah Says. But it’s still just me stuffing around on the internet. And this blog will continue to grow as I grow, change as I change, just as it has for the last five and a half years.

At thirty-two I decided I was getting too old too quick to give a shit. I decided that 2019 was going to be the year I did the things I’ve always wanted to but haven’t out of fear. GRAB A CUPPA this post is a long one.

A few months ago, I bleached my hair and dyed it bright pink, because I’ve always wanted hot pink hair but never has the guts to do it. And I intend to keep it pink. BOOM!

I recently entered a piece I wrote about my late grandmother in the Newcastle grieve competition. I’ve always psyched myself out of entering my poems and writing into anything. But I did it (It’ll be months before I know the outcome of that). BOOM!

While volunteering on the Friday of the Newcastle Writers Festival (early April) I wore makeup. I was self-conscious about it the whole time. Kept looking the mirror to check how It was looking and cringing. When I got home that night, I decided I wasn’t going to wear makeup on my next shift. I don’t wear makeup to work. My current social profile is me with no makeup and no filters (still is). I thought, why am I doing this to myself. I went back without makeup and felt better for it. I wasn’t worried about how my makeup looked or how it was holding up. I knew that when someone looked at me, they were seeing me. It was their problem if they didn’t like what they were seeing, not mine. BOOM!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love watching the amazing makeup transformations people do on YouTube. I love looking at IG models and Queens in full glamour makeup. But I suck at. I suck at doing makeup and it always adds this extra layer of anxiety. I always think I end up looking worse when I put it on. The only time I bother to try and do it is when I’m going somewhere and I feel like people would expect a woman to wear makeup, you know, dinner at a restaurant, drinks at the pub etc. But I serve customers five days a week sans-makeup. So why the fuck am I putting it on to volunteer at a writer’s festival. Yes, plenty of the other female volunteers had make up on, but not one of them looked at me judgmentally because I didn’t, just as I didn’t look at them judgmentally because they did. I didn’t wear makeup to my cousins’ concert in Sydney (Late April). Shout out to The Beautiful Monument. And I didn’t wear makeup to the Sydney Writers Festival a fortnight ago. The world kept spinning and I felt fine. BOOM!

I still feel that my sexuality is nobody business but mine, my husbands and a few of my close friends who I choose to share it with. I think that a persons sexually and gender doesn’t make them anymore or any less than anybody else, so it shouldn’t matter! But to raise awareness, and to try and make life easier for the next generation, I will be open about it. I will say that I identify as Queer. Queer being the umbrella term used for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. I am a Cis woman. I was lucky enough to be born in a female body and identify as female. When I was younger the only options sexually appeared to be straight or gay. Bisexual didn’t exist, you were just promiscuous and/or slutty and kissing your females friends was just something you did when you were all bored or drunk. Shove your Biphobia, I’m too old to care. BOOM!

I will say that I got married too young. I was twenty and I was trying to fill the void in my soul. Turns out the only way to do that is through loving yourself, not others – TRUE THAT.
I married a man because it was what was expected of me and because it was easier (at the time). But that turned out okay. He knows me and loves me (and he’s seen the darkest ugliest parts of me). With that man I have two devil children, oops I mean adorable children, who I would destroy the world for.

To all you youngsters I say:
Fuck doing what is expected of you, if doesn’t feel right, RUN.
Adulthood and responsibilities are a one-way door, don’t open them until you are at least sure of who you want to be.
Never try to be something you are not to impress someone, or to make someone other than yourself happy – It’ll all turn to shit in the end.

I am old and wise. Listen to mother.

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com
I wonder how many followers this post will lose me hahahahaha

Me, Myself and Thrive: Product Review

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 2 Comments

I’ve felt further and further under the weather for years now. You might remember when I was chasing down all my aches and pains and trying to self-manage with essential oils. A while back I finally broke down, gave up and went crying to my GP. My doctor then sent me for numerous tests and to multiple specialists. In the end I got a diagnosis of spondylo-arthritis, sleep apnoea and high blood pressure. Yay me! Not! But hey, it could be much worse. I’m on meds for the arthritis and blood pressure and have been seeing a Chiropractor and Remedial Massage Therapist regularly.

I’ve had all of the above compounding on me for years and the births of two children to add to it. But I’m not here to bitch and carry on about health issues. I’m here to talk about something proactive I’m doing to better my overall health.

I’ve got a friend who’s been harping-on, all over Facebook, about how she is now “Thriving”. She’s been doing this “Thriving” thing for quite a while now. Her name is Jody and I love her to pieces. So, SHOUT OUT TO JODY! Anyways, Jody sent me a ten-day sample of the health supplements she’d been using and being the super-special-critter I am, I wasn’t holding out much hope that I’d feel any different. I read a shit tonne of testimonies on the products and couldn’t see any reason not to give it a go.

What the heck is thrive you ask. Essentially you are taking a vitamin and mineral super bomb, with an appetite suppressant. So, think of it as going into the chemist and buying every Blackmores product there is and taking one of it each, every morning.

From day one I had more energy and my hunger was decreased. But from what I’ve read you are either a first day Thriver or don’t feel it kick in to around day ten.

This is a word for word message I sent to my friend Jody after a week Thriving.
“I got up at five this morning and did some light exercise before my shower/get dressed/get the kids up morning ritual. It’s the first time since having kids that I’ve managed to do this. I used to do yoga or go for a walk early in the mornings before I had the kids. So that feels like a step back in the right direction.”

I’ve been using it for over four months now and am still finding I’ve got more energy and am less hungry then I was pre-Thrive. I struggled to get out of bed pre-Thrive, constantly felt I was dragging myself through wet concreate, now I hop out and head off to do my stretches, computer work or catch up on some reading before the boys wake up. I hardly drink coffee anymore, only as a treat, not a way to survive. I don’t feel like I need it. And I was drinking two large cups just to get my brain functioning each morning pre-Thrive. There are still some days where I’ve had a bad night apnoea wise and all my efforts are destroyed for the day until I can get some rest. But that’s on a ratio of like, one to eight, so I can deal with that.

The biggest rule on Thrive is to make sure you drink heaps of water. At first your body is detoxing and will NEED plenty of water – that’s what I was told, and that’s how it felt. I was smashing down five plus litres of water a day during my first ten days, but that super thirst has calmed down now. Most days now I drink around four litres total.

Cost: It seems super expensive when you pay for a month’s supply but boils down to about $8.00 a day with the American dollar change over, once you add it into the auto-ship set up. It’s not financially sustainable for most people unless you’re flush with cash or have friends you can sign up with and share around the credits you receive. Yes, it is a business, so of course they offer you benefits for signing people up, it’s just like what I’ve encountered with doTerra and YLEO etc.

I’m not sure for how long I’ll keep the program up for, but even in the short term it has given me a well needed boost and got me living again.

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Thanks for visiting The Adventures of SacaKat.
Until next time, enjoy your shelves :-).