Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins – Today’s post asks us when did you last feel like that, helpless and what did you do about it?

I laughed when I saw today’s post prompt, a bitter laugh! I think the question for me would be when do I not feel helpless. I’m going to be brutally honest here (which I think I’ll regret when I hit publish), I break down almost daily, feeling trapped, feeling like everything is out of my control, feeling that the things I want for myself are out of reach and that going on is pointless. I breakdown feeling helpless, sorry for myself and mad at myself for feeling the first two.

What am I doing about it, well to be honest I’m sick of dealing with it and I’m sick of talking about it, talking just drags it out, talk talk talk talk, talking around in circles, talking to my husband who doesn’t understand, talking to a ‘professional’ I got sent to see – talking is pointless when nobody’s listening – so I’m done with talking.

I can suffer through it. I can try to think about the things that make me happy to help the current wave of depression wash over me. Once the wave is gone I can go back to being the ME I enjoy, until helplessness, fear and anger come rolling to my shore again and I’ll suffer through them again until that wave passes also.

I think you can tell I’m under a wave while writing this, my sons been cranky this afternoon and his crying always sends me straight to the bottom. There is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than his cries, it really is amazing how you can love something so much but have it cause you so much anguish.

But I will say I am thankful for the life I have, things could be much worse, but unfortunately that doesn’t stop the waves crashing over me.

   Post 7/365 missed 1