I trusted you
You let me down
You hit one
Way out of bounds
My life, she fell apart
Split right through my heart
I can’t keep arguing with myself
Need to hate
Hate someone else
I trusted you
You let me down
You hit me
And knocked me to the ground
I can still hear you in my head
I can still feel you in my bed
To think of you hurts my brain
I’m think I’m going to go insane
I trusted you
You let me down
You hit one
Way out of bounds
Today’s post presents us with “Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favourite thing about yourself’’.
Self-deprecating yep that’s me.
My favourite part of myself is my overactive imagination. My overactive imagination has gotten me into all kinds of strife over the years, caused me needless stress, but always kept me entertained.
I over think everything and worry about the outcomes of things that never happen. My mind is always wondering, playing out melodramas in my head, telling me there’s demons under my bed, but always keeping me occupied. I am an only child, but never lacked for company, I was always off in my dream world and still today as an adult I quite like to shy away from company.
I had many sleepless nights as child fearing the monsters I’d made up. I can’t remember all the baddies I’d created in my head but I can remember the story I’d play in my head so I could get it to sleep at night.
I used to imagine my Cat Chum and my Dogs Astro and Cassie could turn into fearsome dinosaurs that answered only to me. Now Chum used to sleep every night on my pillow so I’d tell myself, if anything tried to harm me Chum would alert the others and the three of them would morph and protect me.
I still see demons clawing up the side of my bed to get me even now. It took me until my twenties to be able to sleep without the covers up over my head and if my husband’s not home I have to leave the hall light on.
I can lose a whole day dreaming about faraway lands and future plans. I get so caught up in my head I don’t want to return to the real word, but I like it that way, the real world stinks.
I would like to be able to turn it off at night and get some sleep.
Post 16/365 (missed 3)
Today’s post prompt asks us to write about a teacher who had a real impact on our lives, either for the better or the worse and how is your life different today because of him or her?
Haha well I could talk about my mum, she is a high school art teacher, oh wait WAS, its 2014 she’s now retired. So anyways she was a teacher and she’s taught me a hell of a lot over the years – but I think the prompt probably means more along the lines of your past school teachers.
So I’ll start off saying I didn’t really have any teachers that impacted badly on my life in the long run, although I’m sure I impacted badly on some of their lives.
There are a few teaches who stand out:
Primary School. My year 6 teacher Mrs Anderson, the first teacher I ever tried to behave for, first class I actually tried to learn in. She separated me from my friends and put me down the front of the class between Nick Redman and Guy Faseas, it was probably the smartest thing anybody had ever done. I already knew Cathie Anderson (now Cathie Black) before I had her as a teacher as she was and still is friends with my parents and grandparents. She’d known me my whole life and I cared about what she thought of me, I was probably still loud and un-agreeable some of the time, but I did try to behave for her! Well in my head I did, she might tell you a different story!
High School. I walked into Toronto High School with a bit of an attitude and walked out with a rather bad and major one, BUT most of the teachers I had there had a positive effect on me, I just had to grow up to understand their lessons.
Science became one of my favorite subjects. Now I was never a very good ‘learner’ at school, WAY! to easily distracted, but in my four years at Toronto I had two super awesome science teachers Mr Morgan and Mr Delbow (that’s not how he spells it I’m sure) who made learning science easier for me because they kept me captivated. I don’t really remember getting into much trouble in science class.
I loved music class, but that’s because it was always a bludge and the only class I got straight A’s in. Art class was also one of my favorites, even though I really liked my art teacher, it was more the subject matter that held me. I Hated Math!!! No teaches fault! Just F*#king hated having to think really hard on boring numbers LOL and now I’m an office clerk who works with numbers each day, oh what a world. Numbers and I became friends after I left school. Sorry I got a bit off track there.
Last but not least Mrs Ireland my Drama teacher, I’ve mentioned her before, she could always get me to behave. Everybody respected Mrs Ireland, she was a hard teacher, but a good one. It was Mrs Island who encouraged the angry loud mouthed fifteen year old Sarah to try reading. I had read as a child, school forced you to read and some of my fondest early child hood memories are of reading with my mum and my Nanma, but somewhere along the teenage path I’d lost that love. She helped me to find my love of reading again, which has no doubt improved my writing, spelling and concentrating abilities over the years.
Ok I’ll shop boring you with my ramblings now 🙂
Post 8/365 missed 1
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins – Today’s post asks us when did you last feel like that, helpless and what did you do about it?
I laughed when I saw today’s post prompt, a bitter laugh! I think the question for me would be when do I not feel helpless. I’m going to be brutally honest here (which I think I’ll regret when I hit publish), I break down almost daily, feeling trapped, feeling like everything is out of my control, feeling that the things I want for myself are out of reach and that going on is pointless. I breakdown feeling helpless, sorry for myself and mad at myself for feeling the first two.
What am I doing about it, well to be honest I’m sick of dealing with it and I’m sick of talking about it, talking just drags it out, talk talk talk talk, talking around in circles, talking to my husband who doesn’t understand, talking to a ‘professional’ I got sent to see – talking is pointless when nobody’s listening – so I’m done with talking.
I can suffer through it. I can try to think about the things that make me happy to help the current wave of depression wash over me. Once the wave is gone I can go back to being the ME I enjoy, until helplessness, fear and anger come rolling to my shore again and I’ll suffer through them again until that wave passes also.
I think you can tell I’m under a wave while writing this, my sons been cranky this afternoon and his crying always sends me straight to the bottom. There is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than his cries, it really is amazing how you can love something so much but have it cause you so much anguish.
But I will say I am thankful for the life I have, things could be much worse, but unfortunately that doesn’t stop the waves crashing over me.
Post 7/365 missed 1
As a generalisation I won’t read a series until it’s finished. I hate the waiting. I dread falling in love with a book and not being able to read it’s follow up straight away and having to wait another year or so. I’m rather impatient in all aspects of life actually, one of my major flaws, causes me all sorts of grief, but that’s a trillion different stories right there.
I purchased all of J K Rowling’s Harry Potter books at once, then read them back to back! I read all five of Douglas Adams’s HHGTTG in one go, all The Percy Jackson series, hunger games trilogy etc. I’ve got Shadows of The Realm and A Time of Darkness sitting on my book shelf and I’m waiting for Dionne Lister to publish the third instalment so I can sit down and read them all.
I know you’re thinking ummm you bought the whole series before reading the first book, what if you don’t like it? – In my defence, I read reviews to get a feel of the book and see whether I think I’m going to like it or not, I can’t just read for readings sake, it’s got to draw me in! Normally the first book will come out and I’d decide I wanted to read it, if I find out it’s a series I’ll note it down to keep track of it and wait for all the books to come out, then buy the first book, read it and see if I like it before buying the rest – but by waiting till they all are published I can go and buy the next one straight away, no anguish waiting.
Yeah, I should just learn to be patient hey!
My big problem with reading at the moment is my ‘want to read’ list keeps getting longer, my bank out keeps getting lower and I can’t seem to get much time to read, hmmm I’m wasting reading time right now!!
Night All.
From Where I Stand, Poetry by Robert Zimmermann
Goodreads Synopsis:
From Robert Zimmermann comes From Where I Stand, an emotional debut poetry collection. Zimmermann explores strained parental relationships, loss of life, and the despair associated with grief. Alongside these darker themes, he delves into the small areas of life that often go unnoticed but become the hope we are searching for.
My thoughts:
Just from reading the forward you already know your about to see a man’s soul laid raw on the pages that follow!
Now normally I look for myself in poetry and I find the more I’ll like a poem is due to whether or not I can place its emotions in my past or present. I went into this collection telling myself, you are not looking for yourself, you are here to learn about this man. Robert really has given us a look at the emotions and experiences he has been exposed to. After reading this collection of poetry I appreciate the man whose blog I’ve come to enjoy reading even more.
I really do think this is a great collection of work. Yes I did prefer the poems I could find myself in, but I found myself drawn into all the poems and at times wanting to jump through the pages into the past and smack Robert’s father in the face.
I find it hard to say I enjoyed these poems, because there is a lot of pain and anger and you can’t really enjoy that, but the collection was emotionally beautiful and I am glad I read it and I will read it again I am sure.
I read to experience what my life can’t give me and to escape my day to day and this book certainly did that, it took me and placed me in another’s life.
I would recommend this collection not just for poetry fans, as I think it’s more of a book for people who like to feel what others feel, to get a glimpse into other peoples life, anyone with empathy could get into this book.
I hope that makes sense, I am rather nervous writing a review on Robert’s work as I enjoy reading his reviews, oh dear, better go have some wine now!
Here is another poem by a sixteen year old me!
It is pretty obvious that I cannot survive on my own
And yet I sit here all alone
This is my fault
It is always going to be because my sin
That need that is to fit in
My love is loneliness
My love is pain
This world so dark it drives me insane
Issues I see them all around me
But they are not all coming from me
The war that rages on inside my head
It can all be traced back to one day in bed
I’m really not coping
Feels as if I’m hardly floating
Quick someone
I need a roping
To pull me back to shore
He is no white light
He is no knight in amour
He is no saint
He isn’t going to be your saviour
He won’t save you
You have to save yourself
It’s all up to you
You will get no help
No help from anyone else
You have to save yourself
From the failure that you speak
And if the outcome looks bleak
Then the blame falls solely at your feet
Dark cloud over my head
Wish I could lift it
Think I’ll just cry instead
RIOT’S REDEMPTION 