Humanoid ‘ish’

Here you will find ‘Life Update’ style posts and other random word vomit from my brain.

Helpless

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Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins – Today’s post asks us when did you last feel like that, helpless and what did you do about it?

I laughed when I saw today’s post prompt, a bitter laugh! I think the question for me would be when do I not feel helpless. I’m going to be brutally honest here (which I think I’ll regret when I hit publish), I break down almost daily, feeling trapped, feeling like everything is out of my control, feeling that the things I want for myself are out of reach and that going on is pointless. I breakdown feeling helpless, sorry for myself and mad at myself for feeling the first two.

What am I doing about it, well to be honest I’m sick of dealing with it and I’m sick of talking about it, talking just drags it out, talk talk talk talk, talking around in circles, talking to my husband who doesn’t understand, talking to a ‘professional’ I got sent to see – talking is pointless when nobody’s listening – so I’m done with talking.

I can suffer through it. I can try to think about the things that make me happy to help the current wave of depression wash over me. Once the wave is gone I can go back to being the ME I enjoy, until helplessness, fear and anger come rolling to my shore again and I’ll suffer through them again until that wave passes also.

I think you can tell I’m under a wave while writing this, my sons been cranky this afternoon and his crying always sends me straight to the bottom. There is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than his cries, it really is amazing how you can love something so much but have it cause you so much anguish.

But I will say I am thankful for the life I have, things could be much worse, but unfortunately that doesn’t stop the waves crashing over me.

365daysofprompts   Post 7/365 missed 1

Reading books

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As a generalisation I won’t read a series until it’s finished. I hate the waiting. I dread falling in love with a book and not being able to read it’s follow up straight away and having to wait another year or so. I’m rather impatient in all aspects of life actually, one of my major flaws, causes me all sorts of grief, but that’s a trillion different stories right there.

I purchased all of J K Rowling’s Harry Potter books at once, then read them back to back! I read all five of Douglas Adams’s HHGTTG in one go, all The Percy Jackson series, hunger games trilogy etc. I’ve got Shadows of The Realm and A Time of Darkness sitting on my book shelf and I’m waiting for Dionne Lister to publish the third instalment so I can sit down and read them all.

I know you’re thinking ummm you bought the whole series before reading the first book, what if you don’t like it? – In my defence, I read reviews to get a feel of the book and see whether I think I’m going to like it or not, I can’t just read for readings sake, it’s got to draw me in! Normally the first book will come out and I’d decide I wanted to read it, if I find out it’s a series I’ll note it down to keep track of it and wait for all the books to come out, then buy the first book, read it and see if I like it before buying the rest – but by waiting till they all are published I can go and buy the next one straight away, no anguish waiting.

Yeah, I should just learn to be patient hey!

My big problem with reading at the moment is my ‘want to read’ list keeps getting longer, my bank out keeps getting lower and I can’t seem to get much time to read, hmmm I’m wasting reading time right now!!

Night All.

Murphy’s Law

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Trying to get Riley to the doctors for his 6mth needle appointment – First the rubber on the front door broke and I had to kick it shut from behind and go out the garage, then I finally got all Riley’s stuff in the lancer and of course it wouldn’t start, So I chucked everything in the cruiser, tripped and hurt my ankle while doing it 😦 but least we still made it to the doctors on time lol

Kick It

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heather valley shorty autumn

 

Today’s post asked us ‘’what’s the eleventh item on your bucket list?’’

#11 – Find a field of heather, on a misty Scottish hillside to dance around in while imagining I am Fiona from Brigadoon.

 

 

Ok Sorry I don’t actually have a bucket list, there are many things I want to do before I die, but I’ve never sat and wrote them out.

I’d find it rather depressing to have a list sitting there, because unless I won the lotto it would more than likely never be fulfilled.

If I was to sit down and write a bucket list, most of my items would be travel related, places I’d love to travel to. I’ve managed to see some of my dream holiday and adventure destinations in Australia, but I want see ALL of Australia. I’d love to travel to New Zealand, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Spain and Canada, money money money, damn I’d try and see the WHOLE world if I had the money (and armed forces to protect me). Most activities I’ve wanted to try, I have. I got my husband to teach me to ab-sail and ride a motor bike. I don’t want to bungy jump or jump out of a plane like most people seem to. I’ve toyed with the idea of going to Uni, so that would also be on my list and improving my writing skills. The only other thing would be mending burnt bridges of friendship, but I think that’s a constant thing you’ve always got to work at, so probably doesn’t belong on a bucket list.

I assume what the task wanted us to do was to talk about our eleventh bucket list item, what is it, why do you want to do it etc, So I’ll pick Scotland as my eleven item.

My maternal grandmother was born in Scotland and migrated out to Australia when she was eleven years old. I’d love to go to the town where my grandmother was born and visit her grandparent’s graves. I would love to explore Scotland, its warm people, its historic landmarks and beautiful landscapes. But most of all I would love to find a field of heather, on a misty Scottish hillside to dance around in while imagining I am Fiona from Brigadoon.

365daysofprompts

Resolved

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I have NEVER made a New Year’s Resolution that I have kept, ever!!!

Each year I always say I’m going to get fit and get some savings in the bank, blah blah blah, but this year I have to do it for my six month old son’s sake.

Hopefully putting my 2014 resolutions on my blog will make me stick to them, you can all help hold me accountable!!!

#1 – Be kinder to myself (I am way too hard on myself)

#2 – Get Fit (I’m going to have a little speed demon to run after and keep up with once he finds his feet)

#3 – Each day complete the 365 writing prompt eBook (Yay! This is post number 2)

#4 – Get my finances in check

#5 – Complete courses to improve grammar and writing skills (I have already enrolled in 2 for February)

I am determined!!! All my resolutions are do-able, I’ve just gotta suck it up and tough it out. I’ve got to dedicate time to my writing, start walking every day again and curb my husband’s spending (yeah wish me luck with that one).

I’m going to channel The Little Engine That Could

“I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can.”

I’m going to get all the animals safely through the mountain no matter how dangerous it is or how much snow, UMMMMMM oh wait a minute, no, I’m going to get my shit together, that’s right, be kinder, get fit, writing prompts, finances, improve writing, I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can!!!!ithinkican

 

(Book referenced is The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper)

365daysofprompts

Stroke of midnight

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Well hello there 2014, nice to meet you.

I was in bed when 2013 turned into 2014 hoping that the crackers that had awoken me didn’t wake up my six month old son as I was exhausted and didn’t want a baby’s cry to ring in my new year.

No this wasn’t really where I wanted to be, I wanted to be camping with my parents, but alas with my husband’s work commitments we haven’t managed to go for the last five years or so. Why didn’t I go without him? Well my parents were away camping at Narrabri and I’d have been looking a 35-40 degree days in a tent with a six month old, yeah just wasn’t going to happen. Obviously we adults could handle the heat no worries, but my son won’t even sleep in his room unless it’s under 26 degrees and I really didn’t think It would be healthy for him in such high heat. Whenever my husband manages to get New Year’s off, Riley will be older and we can take him regardless. I really miss spending New Year’s camping with my family like I did as child.

It’s not all bad though my husband has Easter off and it’ll be cooler then. So come Easter my son will get to go on his first camping trip to Narrabri.

I’m looking forward to a good 2014 – I wish you all well.

365daysofprompts

2014 Must Do Activity

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I’m going to do it this year, I’ve promised myself.

Every year I see this note (or similar) passed around Facebook

Note

Starting the 1st of January write down the good things that happen to you, on little bits of paper: Surprise gifts, Accomplished goals, The beauty of nature, Laugh out loud moments, Memories worth saving, Daily blessings – Then on the 31st of December you get to open the jar and read all the amazing things your 2014 was filled with.

I really will do it this year, I’ve made my jar!

2014

It’s sitting on my desk next to a pile of paper and pens, so I will be forced to look at it each day, which might actually be rather depressing until it’s got some paper in it.

desk shot 

Anyways onwards I go – wishing you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Dora – that super cool exploradora!

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I’ll set the scene; I was having a bad day, came home from work and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, all my son wanted was to play, not with his toys only with me, I needed a break, I’d had it.

Now in my house we have a no TV rule when Riley’s awake as everything you read tells you it’s bad and it does distracts him so. I’ve trained my husband well on this matter and he cooperates.

So Riley doesn’t see much TV, only if he’s with his grandparents or at the bank where they them up on all the walls. Hence because he doesn’t see it very often it tends to mesmerise him when it’s on.

So I was cranky and stuffed, angry at the world I turned on the TV and let Riley watch Dora the explorer and of cause he loved it, flashing lights, colour, a singing little senorita – he bounced up and down and ‘talked’ back to the TV. I let the Dora watching go on for about an hour while I sat down and had a cup of tea and a rest on the couch.

Now you can’t tell me that an hour of Dora is going to destroy my son’s brain. I can see the connection between too much TV and learning and behavioral problems. As a parent you get so much ‘don’t do this’ ‘don’t do that’ bull crap shoved down your throat. I mean kids shows where created to teach, right? If you pick the correct ones. Although I noticed that Dora teaches kids to play with wild animals and go run amuck in a forest without parental supervision, but I think I’m being to adult with my interpretation there. I think if I was to go and have a bottle of wine I’d be screaming Swiper no swiping! At the TV myself.

Now I know nothing compares to the parent teaching and playing, but if every now and then when I’m not coping and he’s in a super foul mood, if I have to put on Dora on to catch a break, I don’t think anyone can be mad at me.

Do-do-do-do-do-dora!

Do-do-do-do-do-dora!

Do-do-do-do-do-dora!

Do-do-do-do-do-dora!

Dora dora dora the explorer!

Boots, that super cool exploradora!

Need your help!

Grab your backpacks!

Lets go!

Jump in!

Vámanos!