coping
My son is going to be an artist?
I just finished cleaning up after my seven month old son Riley made me a finger painting, on the bathroom tiles, with his own spew.
I was in the bathroom and Riley was sitting on the floor next to me, right when I was unable to grab him he vomited (milk spit up) and proceeded to rub it around the tiles and make patterns. He made a rather large mess on the floor and was looking up at me smiling proudly.
He just frowned at me as I picked him up and moved him then continued to clean up his ‘art’.
Oh the Joy of Parenthood.
Life Lately
I haven’t had time to post much lately, things have been rather hectic.
I’ve lost many hours and been through a great deal of stress trying to get everything organised for my son to start day care next week. So I’m already upset at the fact that I’m losing my baby boy to strangers, then I get dicked around by the government over child care rebates – NOT HAPPY JAN!!! Anyway I got it all sorted today finally, but DAMN why does everything have to be so hard!
I’m constantly on edge at the moment and it’s really starting to get on top of me – I NEED A BREAK – but as a mum I’ll never get one again. Just when I think I’m at my lowest point, in the darkest frame of mind I’ve ever been in, I get lower and it gets darker, I’m swinging like a god damn chimpanzee.
I did have a high light on Tuesday, it was my son’s first swimming lesson. I was really nervous, but Riley seemed to have a good time. He loves the water, he was one of the few babies who didn’t cry. When he was supposed to be floating on his back he kicked his legs and when he was supposed to be kicking he was just staring at the ceiling or watching the other babies – Yep that’s my boy easily distracted and doesn’t do what he’s told (sounds just like me all the way through school).
Tomorrow is February first so I’m going to get back on the band wagon with the 365 post challenge, I haven’t managed to do it for a few days now.
Also tomorrow I’ll be attending a day course on creative writing run by the Hunter Writers Centre. Really the last thing I feel like doing at the moment is going to a course in town, I’d rather stay in bed for a month straight in a dark quiet cave, but I know I’ll enjoy myself one I get there. I hope! I’m going to have to try a shut the real world out for the day.
Take me home
The clock is ticking
So fucking what
When did I ever care about that
They drag me down into their den
And I’ve got to try and claw my way out again
I click my heels together
A million times
Looks like they aren’t magic
These shoes of mine
My soul bleeds and bleeds until I’m bone dry
But why the fuck can’t I just die
I sit here
But no tears can I cry
Sit here and wonder why
Please world leave me the hell alone
Please heart take me home
Bad Call
I’m a pressure vessel that’s about to crack
But you don’t seem to give a fuck about that
You really don’t seem to care at all
Why the fuck did I trust you
Bad call
Falling Off The Wall
Why in life we get so hungry
Why in life we get so grumpy
Why in life we feel so frumpy
If only everything could be smooth
Not bumpy
All this turmoil is making my brain lumpy
Falling off the wall like humpty dumpty
Sweet Sixteen
Today’s post asks us, when we were 16 what did we think our lives would look like? Does it look the way we imagined? And is that a good thing?
When I was sixteen my plan was to work till I was twenty saving enough money to get to Scotland, work there for a couple of years while exploring that part of the globe, come back and travel around Australia, then once I was about 25 go back home to the town I grew up in, open my own business and start to plan out the rest of my life.
My life to this point has been absolutely nothing like I wanted it to be, complete opposite. When I was sixteen I never intended to get married or have kids, I hated the idea of being so held down, I wanted to be free forever! I don’t feel like I get to have fun anymore and at sixteen all I was concerned with was having fun.
Sometimes I feel that my life has been a complete waste and all I’ve done is fuck one thing up after another.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed by all the things I can’t do.
I feel like the real me is trapped inside. I feel like I live my life for everyone else and never for me.
And I long to have my dreams become a reality, but the older I get the less chance that they will ever come true.
I’ve always been a depressive person, all creative people are. But when I was younger I could look forward to the future, I had a plan to make myself happy and lead a fulfilling life, a plan I failed to follow through. Maybe once my sons an adult and out of the house I can stop pretending I’m a good person for his sake. I’ll probably be so angry and burnt out by that point (if I keep going the way I am) that I’ll just spend the remainder of my days stoned trying not to think about the fact I fucked up and missed my chance.
Now I Love my son and wouldn’t give him up for the world, but I wish my life leading up to him had been different. And I know I can do things to change my life and that nothing is set in stone, but having a child takes away freedom, because you always have someone else to think about. I can’t quit my job and run over seas with a kid, first up I’d get done with kidnapping for taking my son away from his father. Secondly I can’t even think about the financial insecurities of trying to change my non-existent career at this point. And third unfortunately I was raised to be responsible and compassionate so I can’t just burn everybody around me to get the things I want.
I’m getting off the point here: When I was 16 I thought my life would be filled with fun and adventure and I’d make my mark on the world. My current life doesn’t look anything like what I had imagined and wanted for myself and that’s a very bad thing because when I dwell on it (which I try not to) it makes my blood boil and my soul turn black.
Post 21/365 (missed 4)
Blame my Heart
It feels like I’m about to fall apart
And if I do
I’ll blame my heart
How to put myself back together again
I don’t even know where to start
Way out of bounds
I trusted you
You let me down
You hit one
Way out of bounds
My life, she fell apart
Split right through my heart
I can’t keep arguing with myself
Need to hate
Hate someone else
I trusted you
You let me down
You hit me
And knocked me to the ground
I can still hear you in my head
I can still feel you in my bed
To think of you hurts my brain
I’m think I’m going to go insane
I trusted you
You let me down
You hit one
Way out of bounds
Helpless
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins – Today’s post asks us when did you last feel like that, helpless and what did you do about it?
I laughed when I saw today’s post prompt, a bitter laugh! I think the question for me would be when do I not feel helpless. I’m going to be brutally honest here (which I think I’ll regret when I hit publish), I break down almost daily, feeling trapped, feeling like everything is out of my control, feeling that the things I want for myself are out of reach and that going on is pointless. I breakdown feeling helpless, sorry for myself and mad at myself for feeling the first two.
What am I doing about it, well to be honest I’m sick of dealing with it and I’m sick of talking about it, talking just drags it out, talk talk talk talk, talking around in circles, talking to my husband who doesn’t understand, talking to a ‘professional’ I got sent to see – talking is pointless when nobody’s listening – so I’m done with talking.
I can suffer through it. I can try to think about the things that make me happy to help the current wave of depression wash over me. Once the wave is gone I can go back to being the ME I enjoy, until helplessness, fear and anger come rolling to my shore again and I’ll suffer through them again until that wave passes also.
I think you can tell I’m under a wave while writing this, my sons been cranky this afternoon and his crying always sends me straight to the bottom. There is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than his cries, it really is amazing how you can love something so much but have it cause you so much anguish.
But I will say I am thankful for the life I have, things could be much worse, but unfortunately that doesn’t stop the waves crashing over me.
Post 7/365 missed 1
RIOT’S REDEMPTION 