buzzing along we go: POEM

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

I recently went camping with my kids out on a friend’s property. The time away reminded me how much I both enjoy and fear human connection and that I need both company and periodical isolation to thrive.
While the kids were roaming around playing, I was able to get some writing in. Shockingly I liked the pieces that flowed out of me on that trip and have decided to share a little bit.

wait until the darkest night
when will hold each other tight
under the stars, everything will feel alright
feeling the flow of our chosen universe in the moonlight

take flight
my blackened knight
chase the rainbow
to claim your fourth right
as the blackened rose withers in plain sight
the demon doth take over the fight
and sends us all into the burning daylight

sprinkles of hope
riding on the waves of dopes
make losing the track a breeze
all the begging is lost
fate freezes the cost
who will rectify the breaking of thee

in green spaces now free
to begin the rebuilding of thee
one breath
one day
at a time
same dream
same sun
same work to be done
always on a loop
forever jumping the same hoops
time giving the shoots and roots
growing one limb at a time
spreading seeds and deeds
bending to nature’s needs
all while spinning around the sun

i need space
but i never get it anyplace
any time
any year
never
there’s always someone near

now came the fun police
gave them all my elbow grease
and never laid bare
to find them
a new day is done
can see more games left to run
thankfully the moon has kissed the sun
in memories, the dreams will now bind them

all is currently calm now
the morning has kissed us all somehow
and awoken to the sound of the breeze
as the engines rumble to life
photographs taken for memories might
hold it all so the energies can flow

running fast and walking slow
taking a spin around the track
learning new ways to know
go around the bog hole
not straight through
being covered in mud
is better than tasting blood
change down a gear
and here’s the power of you

it is called home brand
when you’ve taken what you want
and given what you can
send praise to the mother band
and hail the universe as mum
birthed in an ocean womb
at the end
is a dirt-filled tomb
life cycles as your wheels turn
life goes on as the fuel burns
so, ride as fast as you can
and ride as far out as you dare
breathe in the fast-flowing air
and feel that you are now free

the birds sing
then the engines ring
and the paddock sparks to life
the birds and the children take flight
parents preach as they try to teach it just right
practice and change gears
swallow all the fears
time for another joy ride

passions now read
dread filled thoughts now fled
buzzing along we go
weave through the trees
bending which way, they please
bounce and bend the knees
buzzing along we go
zigzag and rip up
slip and grip through the mud
holding on tight
tip the hips just right
buzzing along we go

Riot’s Redemption: a letter to you the reader

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / 4 Comments

Hello Mum, aunties that read my blog, those of you who are still around from my #AusYAbloggers years, and anyone else who has stumbled across this post.
I hope that these words find you safe and healthy, something that is becoming increasingly harder to accomplish with the state of our world.

I recently felt the need to change my blog’s name, again, as the old title no longer sat well with me. I have moved away from book reviews for now and am planning on sharing more of my poetry and my wellness journey.


What is Riot’s Redemption you ask? Okay, you probably didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

As a child, there was always a part of me, the silly, free, creative part, the wild part that got me in trouble that I internally referred to as “IT”. IT was the unmasked core of myself. Sarah, the name I was given at birth became my mask’s name, and as Sarah, I tried my best to behave the way society saw fit. As I grew older my IT-ness got let out less and less, and I found myself wearing my Sarah mask 24/7. It nearly destroyed me, as in suppressed memories and time in a psych ward destroy me. Along my neurodivergent journey from childhood to adulthood, I internally renamed myself from “IT” to “The Riot” because it’s always a mothering fucking Riot in my head. As I got older and learned more about the big bad world, I realised that I had always been Transgender and Queer as a sparkly rainbow cloud of LSD.

Little me had wanted to be a boy. Little me had wanted to live in the outback and run feral and free. Little me had wanted to sing and dance, tell stories, make people laugh, and own a farm.
I am still that little boy, but I am also now a mother of two. I want my children, both of whom like me are autistic with ADHD, to know the real me, not my mask. I cannot continue to open myself up and be authentic under the name of my mask. I want to walk in the world as Riot, and my blogging is included in that. So this is me taking my first steps.


I am going forward with the intention of working towards a creative writing degree.

I am going forward with the intention of being more present in my physical life and embracing people again, whereas I’ve spent the last five or so years of my life withdrawing further and further from society.
I am not quite sure yet what I physically will need to do to be able to sit comfortably in my own skin. But getting my fitness up to a level where I can take on all the hikes, I want to do with confidence seems like a good place to start. I’ve got a good friend that I refer to as my emotional support demon that is keen to be my gym buddy and help me in that regard. I have no desire to fully medically transition as I do not feel the need to be passable as male by society’s standards to be valid. Admittedly it causes me a great deal of mental fuckery that society sees me as a woman. But I have coping strategies to help with the noise in my head and the waves of gender dysphoria that drag me down at times. I’ve been trying to go for bush walks and put aside time to write and draw as much as possible, to let my mind run free, as letting my mind run free is one of the few things that enables me to then spend time in my skin.


If you’ve made it this far down the page, cheers to you! I guess I really just needed to send ^ that up into the ether and record it here as a way of kickstarting myself. So If you are interested in reading the words that come to me in daydreams and on bush walks then stick around. If not, no dramas, I know I’m not everyone’s favorite flavor of lolly.


To end this post today I’ll leave you with a photo of some flowers living their best life in the bush.

SHIFT: a story for Thea

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

once upon a time there was a magical girl
poised after transitioning to take over the world
one day she came across a world-builder who had lost their way
stuck in their head
thinking all the things their voice could not say
so together they sang until they both felt brave
they sang songs of a better world
one where if you didn’t feel your true self
you were given the chance to start again
and up to the stars for this world to be they sang
they sang and sang until their throats weren’t needed again
until the fabric of reality altered
one planned a new body to unlock her power
one planned the unlocking of their mind to re-capture their power
so that they could shred the very meaning of time
and share the secrets of life and love
found family, friendly farmers, and future plans
it all comes back around in the end
it comes from you
it comes from me
it comes from the ground under our feet
not some nothing man in the sky above
it comes from the ground
and it’s given with love
feel the earth under your feet
it grew you
it grew me
it grew our very reality
so stand on our earth
and with it SHIFT

long dormant circuitry reconnected
a past best left with the dead resurrected
with the powerful pull of rage, i revenge this
no longer do i see in grey
the blackness from which you descended
i remember and i am free

the earth grew me
and now i know i am free
watch as i SHIFT into me
watch as we SHIFT all the realities

* TO BE CONTINUED *

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are happy and healthy.

I am free: POEM

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

I am one earthling,
breathing, seeing, sitting
and enjoying the heat of the sun.
That sun is one star
in an estimated 200 billion
trillion stars in the universe.
Nothing I do or say really matters and so I let it all go.
I let my mind wander
from the plants around me,
to the planets and stars
that surround me.
I let my mind wander far
and wide.
And I am free.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

Kelly: A LETTER TO YOU

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

Kelly my dear
i would love to hear
how you
have
been travelling
Kelly my dear
i still holding you near
after the six years
of friendships
blogging
decided to reach out
how now
this way
because public somehow
let’s have
another
twirl
so Kelly my dear
if you happen to read this post
i think you might
because i think
i most
enjoy the time we spent chatting online
come out Kelly my dear
out in
the sun
shine

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

If you happen to read this DIVA-BOOKNERD, I miss ya girl.

Life: POEM

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

my brain likes to block me

and stop me

from sharing my truths

yes, it stems from self-preservation

but letting myself free

is long overdue

i have been living a life defined by an outdated patriarchy

it has drained my spark and left me descending darkly

i want to be the person i see in my head

not this sickly mass of fear and anger instead

i say yes, but my heart and soul scream no

my whole life feels like a lie and that is no way to go

I push it all down like many times before

even though i know it will come bubbling and boiling back up stronger than before

Just popped on today to share another little something I wrote while doing some solo reflection. Also thought I’d share a few more nature photos I took, these ones were from a recent walk with an old school friend.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

Fractured: POEM

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

i woke up this morning feeling fractured

my brain sore like it’s bruised and battered

my thoughts all dodging this way and then that way in a scatter


i want to run and hide from all the chatter and clatter

my thoughts fighting to make it to the top of my mental ladder

they get to the top

flip me off

then fall back into the darkness and shatter

and every morning i wake up and feel my face for the fractures

Just popped on today to share another little something I wrote (early this morning before anyone else was up). Also thought I’d share a photo I then took later on today while out on a walk.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

When I Ask Why: POEM

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

when I ask why
the only reply
is break the chain
because once society is slain
all the remains
can reconfigure its brain

rectify this mess
because to be alive on this earth
means we are blessed

turn off the news
put on your shoes
go walk with the trees
go talk with the bees

understand the world is not yours
get down on your knees
thank the mother sun
from once we come

rectify this mess
because to be alive on this earth
means we are blessed

your life is not yours
we are all part of the cycle

all of this anger
all of this hate
give it away
because it’s almost too late

when I ask why
the only reply
is break the chain
because once society is slain
all the remains
can reconfigure its brain

Just popped on today to share a little something I wrote while on a walk and a few nature pics.

Thanks for visiting Sarah Says. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and safe.

It’s been awhile: Life Update

/ Riot @ Absidity Art - Sarah Fairbairn / Leave a comment

It’s been awhile since I posted here (March to be exact), but I woke up this morning with the need to say hello – so here I go with a little life update.

I’ve always identified more with men than women, something I’ve tried to suppress for many years. But this suppression has caused me to have a major disconnect from my body and I’m sick of it. I want to be able to accept and love myself for all of myself and I have begun to. It has now come to a point where I cannot continue to heal and grow in the shadows. So, from this point forward I am going to attempt to show the world all the parts of me.

I started an Instagram and TikTok accounts using a pseudonym to allow myself the safeness of a secret place to be able to get past the block in my brain and start to share parts of myself, whether that’s my art or when I was in the middle of a gender dysphoria breakdown. But I am now realising it doesn’t help if I’m not sharing these parts of me with the ones I love.

I’ve fort against myself when it comes to my name, as the one I was given at birth, beautiful as it is, is feminine and most of the time I feel I am not. I’ve played around with the idea of changing my name but can’t quite stomach it. I’ve now realised that the name is not the issue, it’s the way I was presenting myself that felt unnatural to me.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, talking to doctors, taking their meds, taking up new hobbies that get me back out in nature and free that little kid I suppressed when I was that little kid. I am actively trying to drop my mask when I am in safe settings, I am actively working towards better physical and mental health. And I will bounce back bigger and better than ever as my whole self, but I know it will take time.

I am in the process of completely rearranging my life. The father of my children and I have admirably separated, and the kids and I have moved in with my parents. I am finishing up my job at my family’s automotive workshop soon and am enrolled at university for next year – so lots of big things changing and lots a big new adventures to be had.

If you are interested in the Art and self-expression I have started posting on Instagram and Tik Tok (totally not going to be offended if you’re not) you can find me at @absidityart – but be warned, I have no intention of censoring myself there, because it is my own censoring of myself that has made me feel lost, unloved, and alone. While I’ve suffered silently and internally most of my adult life, I suffer no more, because I am accepting all of me, and I know with time I will be able to grow to love all of me, because I now know I am worthy of love – Yay! Progress!

So, HI *waves enthusiastically while half hiding behind a tree because being authentic is scary* I’m Sarah, a Queer Neurodivergent nature and art loving creature, with a passion for supporting the underdog, drag queens, sci-fi, small fluffy critters, and learning all I can about the natural world around me. I’m anti boxes made by society and think gender roles are the biggest load of shit that’s ever been rammed down my throat. Going forward my preferred pronouns are they/he – but I’m not going to get mad at you if you say she, because I understand that’s the conditioning society forced on you. The fear that comes with expecting most of the people in my life to not understand is what has held me back, but I now realise I need to give them and you reading this the benefit of the doubt and if they and you can’t come to terms with it that is not my fault.

ANYWAYS, I’m logging off again now, but will be to be more active in the future If the mood strikes.

I wish whomever is reading this love and happiness. Stay Safe.

Regards,

Sarah.

The Plastic Throne: Children’s Picture Book Review

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The Plastic Throne by Amani Uduman & Kera Bruton
Genre: Children’s Picture Book
Publication: 1st March 2021
Publisher: MidnightSun Publishing
Source: Review copy from the publisher – Thank You
Rating: ✵✵✵✵✵

Denver flushes all kinds of things down the toilet but never stops to think about what happens to them once they are gone. One night, while he sleeps, the ocean begins to stir, no longer able to suppress its fury over how it is being treated. Can Denver and his sister Maisy make things right before it is too late?

This engaging story touches on the concepts of sustainability and the protection of our natural environment all while keeping a tongue placed firmly in its cheek.

LINKS: Goodreads – Booktopia – Angus & Robertson – Dymocks – Boomerang Books.

When a four-year-old asks you to read a book three times in a row you know you are onto a winner, especially if it is one aiming for environmental education, and this was the case when I read The Plastic Throne from children’s author and primary school teacher Amani Udman and debut illustrator Kera Bruton with my boys.

The story follows a little boy named Denver as he flushes the veggies, he does not want to eat down the toilet. When this works well for him, he starts flushing broken toys, the cat, his sisters’ bike – anything he does not like or wants to hide. Obviously, this back-fires, comedically so, and the ocean swells with rubbish engulfing his town in rubbish, water, and ocean creatures. Denver realises the error of his ways with the help of his sister Maisy, and they try to rectify his mistakes.

The Plastic Throne is a bright and colorful picture book with an engaging story and artwork. The ending of the story opens the opportunity for deeper conversations with children about the responsible conservation of the earth’s environment and how to dispose of rubbish responsibly. And it is a read I highly recommend.

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com 🙂
Until next time, enjoy your shelves 🙂